The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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