You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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