I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I faked an abortion last night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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