I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wish you could order shots online.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
