Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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