1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
