I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
