I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she smelled like a LAN party
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
