How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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