More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
