i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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