We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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