One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
