Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
