I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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