I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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