Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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