Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
