I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
