I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
