u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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