i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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