if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
