i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
