god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
