Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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