Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
