I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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