I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
