dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
