the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
