it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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