I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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