you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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