haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
