I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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