i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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