Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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