my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
