Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
