Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
