i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
