Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Everything about him screamed your future.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
