I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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