I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
