You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
