He disabled his match.com account in front of me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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