hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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