I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
