i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
