Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
