anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
