sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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