he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
