Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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