how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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